Picture of Ouija board

Ouija board

Ouija Boards Are or For Suckers

Or rather, they are for people stupid enough to mess with them. If you’ve ever watched films like the appropriately titled, “Ouija”, or the latest Ouija board cautionary tale, “Nocturne” (the 2017 film, not to be confused with the 2014 nor the 1946 movies of the same name), then you know that bad things always happen to those who mess with these seemingly harmless spirit boards. Very. Bad. Things.

Don’t the people in these sorts of films ever watch these sorts of films? Although since neither of the aforementioned flicks are cinematic masterpieces, I suppose I’m expecting far too much from these formulaic character types, teens who drink too much, play too hard, think too little. But playing with a Ouija board, in my opinion, equals shooting oneself in the head with a bazooka. In fact, shooting oneself in the head with a bazooka would probably be a preferable way to die.

Again, don’t they ever watch these films?

Ogre-faced spider

The Superstitions of a Logical Mind

I generally look at things with a logical, scientific approach. I consider things we refer to as “super-” natural as actually being the manifestations of natural things that we simply don’t know about and/or fully understand as of yet. Even God, I believe, is far greater, far more incredible (and far more real) than maybe even the most devout worshippers can currently understand. I’m generally of the mindset that demons, ghosts, malevolent spirits, and even those bobble-headed grey aliens that seem to only show themselves late at night while we’re tucked in our beds, are not what we think they are, even though they may very well exist in some form. While they are much more than the manifestations of our inner fears or the mere byproducts of imaginations gone wild, they are not dark entities seeking to commandeer our souls..

And yet, there are just some things I simply cannot (or I should say, would not), do. Ever. I’d rather kiss a spider…Okay, that’s a lie. I would choose that bazooka blast to the brain over either of the aforementioned, repulsive options, however.

Although even I have to admit that the ogre-faced spider dude (pictured above) is almost cute. Almost.

Let Supernatural Dogs Lie, I Say!

Ouija boards are said to be doorways to the spirit world, tools one can use to communicate with the dead. But they can also serve as a means for spirits to cross over into our world, and from every single movie I’ve ever seen, this always ends badly. REALLY badly.

Sure, as I said, I believe that ghosts, spirits, and demons are not the supernatural, unexplainable phenomena that we think that they are. However, I also believe that whatever they are, they are very real. Just because the deceased great, great aunt of your home’s former owner, who died a tragic death a hundred and fifty years ago, may not be the entity tugging on your hair or moving the furniture around whenever you aren’t looking, that doesn’t mean that someone, or some thing, isn’t responsible.

And no matter how much I remind myself that I do not believe that a Ouija board is a portal to the underworld, I just can’t shake my fear of them. Maybe they open the doors to another dimension full of alien a–holes, or maybe the truth is that the dead are somehow always here with us on another plane of existence, able to screw with us whenever they get bored. Maybe moving that stupid planchette around the board while we touch it is just really funny to them, and they love to sit back and laugh and point while we piss ourselves in fear. All I know is that if someone were to walk into the room right now with a Ouija board under his or her arm, I would likely demand that they burn that thing immediately. And then purify their hands with holy water. Or hand sanitizer…or both…

No. Just..No…

Maybe the thought of Ouija boards speaks to some subconscious fear that I harbor concerning the uncertainty of the unknown. Maybe deep down, despite my conscious thoughts on the subject, I’m afraid that I might be wrong. I mean, what if, as Fox Mulder of X-Files fame says, “the truth is out there”, and it turns out that it’s full of demons and ghosts and ghouls? Oh my!

Either way, you can never go wrong staying the hell away from those things. Better safe than sorry, I say. I mean who knows? Maybe the bogeyman really is lurking in the paranormal closet trying to get out, but the least we can do is to make him work for his freedom. Let’s not take the chance that we may be throwing the doors wide open and like a Price Is Right contestant, inviting him to “Come on down!”

Demons, be warned. YOU. SHALL. NOT. PASS!

At least not on my watch.

Nope. No way.